bueller? bueller? bueller?

i feel like i'm in a weird place right now. my mind is constantly going and i have so much to think about and so much that i want to do, yet i don't do any of it.

like right now. i want to go to yoga, but i'm sitting in my bed, sans pants thinking that "man, i'm hungry and i should go get food...but where do i want to go? what am i hungry for? ugh, i feel so lazy for not going to yoga. should i go to yoga? probably... well...hmm that means that i'm going to be even hungrier when i get out. crap. well, i could eat something and read...but then still, what am i going to eat. and i really want to paint, but then i have to clear space to paint and bleh, i'm still hungry..."

and this goes on. it's been going on for the last hour and a half after i got out of work. my room is also an epic disaster from being in san fran this weekend. and i would go running, but my ipod is nearly dead.

see what i mean? i need to focus. on something. one thing. maybe. maybe on nothing at all. *sigh* crap. crap. crap.

life is good...sometimes.

so the ass raping at work that i was expecting didn't happen.

something else didn't happen that i wasn't especially looking forward to. 

i made plans to go to san fran for a friend's birthday.

i had a kick ass workout last night.

i'm going to have another kick ass workout tonight.

i'm going to have a kick ass massage and yoga tomorrow night. 

i'm anticipating (so far) getting money back from uncle sam.

a friend's birthday party is coming up.

i have plenty to be stoked on right now. nothing wrong with that. 

off to the gym!

new year. new beginnings. new goals.

So where did i leave off...oh yeah, i was training for 5ks way back when...i ran 3: the susan g komen race for a cure, the 5k for the women's half marathon and the iron girl 5k. finished them all in about 45 minutes, ran 75-80% of them and was pretty pleased. then bowl season hit...i started working 80 hours a week, went through a breakup and was eating whatever i could, when i could and i had zero time to get to the gym, so the pounds added up along with the wine, the emotions and the stress.

enter: the new year.

this year i have some goals set:

- running more races, including the half marathon in november

- saving money (yeah, i say this every year and fail miserably...damn you, sales)

- finding a job in my field or something close to it

- getting home more than once

today was the first day of the new year that i could actually go to the gym and i was pleasantly surprised with my workout. i managed to run/walk 2.5 miles relatively easily. i was expecting to be a lot more out of shape, but it felt really good to get back on the treadmill. 

i also had one of the regular boxing guys ask me where i've been. i was kinda surprised that someone actually noticed that i had been m.i.a. for the last month and a half. 

and then my favorite (said with a slight tinge of sarcasm) bowl season ticket holder emailed me today. after exchanging a few messages, he told me that the day after thanksgiving, he lost his oldest son (age 27) unexpectedly. i don't know exactly what happened, but damn it makes me think if i'm living each day like it could be my last. there are days when i go to bed angry or upset about something and if i didn't wake up the next day, would my loved ones read my last facebook status about going to bed pissed? i just don't want to leave this world with a sour taste in my mouth...which makes me want to complete all of my goals even more. 

it just makes me dig a little deeper and really think about myself and what i'd be leaving behind and what people would say about me and what i'd want them to remember. god, life is short...