bueller? bueller? bueller?

i feel like i'm in a weird place right now. my mind is constantly going and i have so much to think about and so much that i want to do, yet i don't do any of it.

like right now. i want to go to yoga, but i'm sitting in my bed, sans pants thinking that "man, i'm hungry and i should go get food...but where do i want to go? what am i hungry for? ugh, i feel so lazy for not going to yoga. should i go to yoga? probably... well...hmm that means that i'm going to be even hungrier when i get out. crap. well, i could eat something and read...but then still, what am i going to eat. and i really want to paint, but then i have to clear space to paint and bleh, i'm still hungry..."

and this goes on. it's been going on for the last hour and a half after i got out of work. my room is also an epic disaster from being in san fran this weekend. and i would go running, but my ipod is nearly dead.

see what i mean? i need to focus. on something. one thing. maybe. maybe on nothing at all. *sigh* crap. crap. crap.

love is a funny thing

you find it when you're not looking.

you get too much of it from people that you don't want it from.

you don't get enough of it from the people that you do want it from.

you say it to people who don't deserve it.

you don't hear it from people who don't realize that it is love.

you try to give it and it just doesn't sink in.

you show it in the ways that stretch you beyond who you are or what you believe in.

you want it so badly, but can never open up enough to get it.

you never know if you've actually felt it or if it was just a charming illusion.

you think that you had it once or twice, but you're not sure.

you talk about it like it's a disease.

you sometimes think that it is a disease.

you sometimes avoid talking about it like the plague.

you then realize it might be a disease that you don't want to catch for fear of illness.

and then you finally get to the point that you think it's something that you'd want to have with the right person at the right time and have everything be awesome and every day you wake up happy knowing that you're just soaking up each other's awesomeness.

love doesn't seem too bad if you have it like that.

things that i enjoy:

oh man. where to start...

numero uno today is being smarter than other people. or at least being able to articulate things in words that make sense. like big words. 

people like to think that they are sounding smart and will throw out a polysyllabic word and have no real understanding of the word. 

for example: a word that means "opposite of the masses" and then the retort is "well, it's toward individuals"

HUH????

in their confusion of the english language, i'm left trying to understand the thought process that they initiated but it's an effort in futility. i like big words. i like it even more when they're used coherently.

it's like trying to use a video game cheat code for the wrong game or the wrong key for the wrong door. shit just doesn't make sense. 

if you're going to use big words and try to play with the grown ups, at least understand the word that you're trying to pwn me with, otherwise, i'll start using even bigger words and you'll get frustrated and go pout.

this lesson of the day brought to you by the letter "v"...for vocabulary.

i'm in my happy place right now.

and i fucking love it.

i'm not *ideally* where i want to be in a lot of aspects of my life, but i'm just ...happy. i've been spending some good time with good friends. i've been spending enough time on myself that i just feel better. in december, i had so much going on and so much happening in my life that i forgot about ME. me time was spent with my eyes closed or driving from one job to the next. but now, me time is at the gym and at home just relaxing and valuing time with friends. i was missing out on a lot.

now if i could just figure out an easier/faster way of getting music on my damn ipod. piece of shit. and i'm honestly considering buying an iphone...believe it or not. i think that i'm an idiot. sometimes, i feel like my grandmothers with these things. i mean, i'm good with computers and fixing most shit, but when it comes to a 5 button device, i apparently, can't fucking figure it out. 

now, for me to truly start to feel amazing, i need a significant raise/another job on the weekends and to start dropping pounds like i'm oprah on a skinny kick. but running has been good. yoga is good. my body is generally sore from working out pretty hard, but i figure, the results will be worth it and then i'll stop bitching.