my turmoil continues

last week or so, i was having some thinking issues. mostly, thinking too much. nothing has changed in the last week and i've made the decision to make some decisions. how decisive, right?

i got on depo around this time last year (may to be precise) because i was engaging in semi-adult extra curricular activities and needed some protective gear. life was lovely because i was engaging in said activities and not risking ruining my life plus, no cramps, no period most of the time and little to no mood swings. life was beautiful...except that despite my hardest efforts, i'm still a fatty. or at least, i think i'm a fatty. it's difficult to impossible to lose weight on this damn thing and it's breaking my spirits. between running and yoga, i should be dropping weight, not to mention, i have a good diet, so there should be no excuse for me staying the same weight or fucking gaining weight.

so i've finally had enough and i'm not getting any anyway, so fuck it.  i care more about me than i do that, so come may for my next shot, i'm not getting it. or is it april? i don't even remember...

i refuse to be the chubby friend anymore. i hide my weight rather well, but it's been bothering me for years and i've developed a pretty unhealthy self loathing attitude about it.

blah. i should be going to yoga tonight in oh...half an hour. but i'll probably end up sitting here without pants on and moping.

i'm in my happy place right now.

and i fucking love it.

i'm not *ideally* where i want to be in a lot of aspects of my life, but i'm just ...happy. i've been spending some good time with good friends. i've been spending enough time on myself that i just feel better. in december, i had so much going on and so much happening in my life that i forgot about ME. me time was spent with my eyes closed or driving from one job to the next. but now, me time is at the gym and at home just relaxing and valuing time with friends. i was missing out on a lot.

now if i could just figure out an easier/faster way of getting music on my damn ipod. piece of shit. and i'm honestly considering buying an iphone...believe it or not. i think that i'm an idiot. sometimes, i feel like my grandmothers with these things. i mean, i'm good with computers and fixing most shit, but when it comes to a 5 button device, i apparently, can't fucking figure it out. 

now, for me to truly start to feel amazing, i need a significant raise/another job on the weekends and to start dropping pounds like i'm oprah on a skinny kick. but running has been good. yoga is good. my body is generally sore from working out pretty hard, but i figure, the results will be worth it and then i'll stop bitching.