my turmoil continues

last week or so, i was having some thinking issues. mostly, thinking too much. nothing has changed in the last week and i've made the decision to make some decisions. how decisive, right?

i got on depo around this time last year (may to be precise) because i was engaging in semi-adult extra curricular activities and needed some protective gear. life was lovely because i was engaging in said activities and not risking ruining my life plus, no cramps, no period most of the time and little to no mood swings. life was beautiful...except that despite my hardest efforts, i'm still a fatty. or at least, i think i'm a fatty. it's difficult to impossible to lose weight on this damn thing and it's breaking my spirits. between running and yoga, i should be dropping weight, not to mention, i have a good diet, so there should be no excuse for me staying the same weight or fucking gaining weight.

so i've finally had enough and i'm not getting any anyway, so fuck it.  i care more about me than i do that, so come may for my next shot, i'm not getting it. or is it april? i don't even remember...

i refuse to be the chubby friend anymore. i hide my weight rather well, but it's been bothering me for years and i've developed a pretty unhealthy self loathing attitude about it.

blah. i should be going to yoga tonight in oh...half an hour. but i'll probably end up sitting here without pants on and moping.

rough day

i can't wait to post tomorrow night because i'm sure that i'll have some gems from the little chit chat my boss and i are going to have tomorrow morning where i sit and listen to her accuse me of a bunch of stuff and then, unlike the court room, i don't get a fair chance to say my side of the story. i have good reasons/explanations for everything...i just don't think that's she'll care or listen. great relationships going on in our office...for sure.

i sent a few resumes tonight, i'm sure i'll be able to find some more in the morning. i've just kinda had it. i want to use my degree, i want to be appreciated, i want to be acknowledged for what i do well, not just what you think is wrong today. i really hate being accused of things that are bs. it doesn't make any sense, for one and two, it's a waste of time if you have to schedule a meeting to discuss something that isn't a thing.

*sigh* i can't help but be down about that stuff and it filters to the rest of my life. i just had someone yell at me for getting down on myself about being chunky in pictures and needing some that i didn't look like a beached whale next to my skinny friends. nottttt this year. i WILL get below x weight. i WILL fit into -2 pant sizes. and (god willing) i keep my boobs.

make that another resume out. trying to milk my bowl contacts as much as possible. i really hate job hunting. i feel like it should be the other way around.

oh, and i went to yoga tonight, but i felt preoccupied. wonder why.