life improvements

i've been trying to work recently on things that i don't do at all or don't do much of and should. examples:
- flossing. i hate it. it's a massive pain in my ass and quite painful, but most dentists recommend it and most people tend to do it. i'm giving it a try.
- mouthwash. also a massive pain in my ass and i went about 24 years without using it and then a dentist told me that it would help with my sensitive gums. good to know. i don't do it regularly and find it ridiculous, but again, i'm giving it a try.
(yes, both of these things thus far have to do with personal hygiene. i neglect my oral (heh oral...) hygiene way too much. i brush twice a day, but i don't see a dentist regularly and i certainly don't do the above to things as much as i should...so i'm attempting to turn over a new leaf.)
- the gym. as daunting as this becomes during sports season (aka, year round for me...) i'm trying to push myself to go. i've been pretty fed up with my body for a while and while some people can just get by on reducing calories and sitting on their asses, i apparently, can't do that. i need to cut back on everything that i'm eating in addition to working out to the point of nausea (like tonight). i have a bug up my ass to make myself look better. and god help me if going to the gym obsessively doesn't get me some results. i might kill someone.
- saving money. this. is. impossible. for. me. no matter what i try, i live paycheck to paycheck, i routinely drain my saving account to a few dollars and i still have several hefty credit card bills that maybe upon retirement (at age 80) will be paid off or at least close to it. partially, i blame it on my shitty salary. i never imagined that i'd be 26, 4 years removed from a bachelors degree and be grossing 19k a year from my primary source of income. how fucking pathetic and sad is that? (also, as an aside, i think my roommate is burning something. smells like popcorn, but i can't be sure. i just smell something smoldering...)
i don't live a *plush* lifestyle. the most expensive taste i have is in beer. i have no problems shopping at target, old navy or american eagle. labels mean nothing to me (except on my michael kors wallet *SWOON*). i don't have (what i would consider) an adult job yet, so i refuse to spend money on clothing like i do. i'm not selling our clients anything, i have no meetings, no deals to be made. my boss could care less if i was in a burlap sack or a vintage chanel suit as long as my work was done.
i've TRIED desperately to budget. after rent, car insurance, cell phone bill and credit card bills, i *should* (key word, should) have a few hundred bucks left for gas and food for the month (which is plenty since i shop thriftily. is that a word? i hope so. i like it...), but instead, i'm left counting and rolling my change to take to the bank to deposit and attempting to sell my out dated and un-fashionable clothing to second hand/buy/sell/trade places (speaking of, i came out today with 19 something which is more than what i normally get when i go there). right now, i have more in my savings account than in my checking account (which isn't saying much since what's in my checking account could buy one pair of running shoes...on sale).
i want to get myself in the habit of NOT going to happy hour and dropping 50 bucks. and not buying another v neck bf tee from target just because it's 2 dollars off (you know that you do the same thing!). and putting money away to savings with the intent of saving it and not just having it there to pad the checking account when it needs it. and removing cash from the alien time machine and only being able to spend that out instead of just tossing down the plastic.

i'm really great at making plans, just not executing them. don't tell any prospective employers that. haha in reality, i'm good when it's a plan for others, just not myself. how fucked up is that?

and hand in hand with the gym and not spending as much money is:
- eating better, smarter and cheaper. eating healthy is expensive and that sucks. a lot. no wonder people go to the dollar menu for big micks instead of making a salad. speaking of, a salad would be nice right now. i only have spinach and carrots downstairs, and that, a salad does not make.
- reading more. i love books. i always have. but with this thing called the internet, came sloth and poor eyesight, which is one big deterrent to me reading for long periods of time. i'm pretty much blind and even WITH contacts or glasses, have to keep a book within a foot of my face so i can see it without squinting. i'm going to have to start going for the large print versions at age 30. my 80 year old grandmother doesn't even get the large print versions from the library. i want to set aside at least half an hour or more a day to read. i want to get back into the habit of doing it and getting away from the godforsaken computer.

this post is entirely too long. if you made it to the end, congrats. this is the war and peace of blog posts and i commend you and apologize with all my heart. now do me a favor and comment either how much you hate me for reading such a long, boring, ranty post or something entirely inspirational in regards to any of the above stated improvements. homework assignment has been dealt. enjoy.

class dismissed.

my turmoil continues

last week or so, i was having some thinking issues. mostly, thinking too much. nothing has changed in the last week and i've made the decision to make some decisions. how decisive, right?

i got on depo around this time last year (may to be precise) because i was engaging in semi-adult extra curricular activities and needed some protective gear. life was lovely because i was engaging in said activities and not risking ruining my life plus, no cramps, no period most of the time and little to no mood swings. life was beautiful...except that despite my hardest efforts, i'm still a fatty. or at least, i think i'm a fatty. it's difficult to impossible to lose weight on this damn thing and it's breaking my spirits. between running and yoga, i should be dropping weight, not to mention, i have a good diet, so there should be no excuse for me staying the same weight or fucking gaining weight.

so i've finally had enough and i'm not getting any anyway, so fuck it.  i care more about me than i do that, so come may for my next shot, i'm not getting it. or is it april? i don't even remember...

i refuse to be the chubby friend anymore. i hide my weight rather well, but it's been bothering me for years and i've developed a pretty unhealthy self loathing attitude about it.

blah. i should be going to yoga tonight in oh...half an hour. but i'll probably end up sitting here without pants on and moping.

Why this blog exists.

I love food. Period. Food (and booze) is the reason for my gut. Some wouldn't call it a gut. I call it a gut and I don't like it.

I'm 3 days shy of 26 and I know that thinking that I could still look like 16 year old me is completely ludicrous, but is it so bad to want to look good in clothes (and out of them for that matter)? 

Being the pesce variety of vegetarian throws another curve into the mix. How do you get protein and eat food that tastes good, but isn't total shit when it goes through your gullet? (Also, I AM NOT one of those veggie types who will pick pepperoni off of pizza or turkey off of subs and I am also not the type of veggie who lives on pasta and carrots alone. That's bird food.)

Then I look at my roommate who is hands down, a certified granola guy. He makes his own trail mix, has all of his veggies pre-cut in tupperware in the fridge the week before and he drinks a chocolate protein shake every morning out of his cute little sippy sports bottle. I also refuse to be one of those eaters who only eats for nutrition and the food lacks any taste or flavor. No thanks. I'd rather not eat. 

In about a month, I'm going to Miami with one of my good friends (and first friends) from college. She looks smoking hot pretty much all of the time. (Manhattan will do that to a girl..) And my goal for the next month (and beyond) is to lose about 10 lbs  by the time my trip rolls around (not achieved solely by dieting, but also a regular and rigorous gym regimen) and be eating better and more regularly. 

This blog is going to be almost my confessional for the days I skip the gym, have too many snacks, drink a soda, etc. It's going to be my proof that I can either do this or stay plump trying. (I'm hoping for the former.) It's going to increase my accountability and be a distraction for me from running across the street for a footlong instead of munching on some nuts. 

Healthy suggestions that don't suck are always welcome as well as some moral and emotional encouragement...especially when I am tempted to skip the gym.